Quicky Updates

Ah, my goodness, I've been quiet for too long here.  Let's see if I can do a quick catch up of sorts.  

M s--with an e and s in the middle

One of the little known facts around these parts is that I was in a semi-M/s relationship for all of about 2 seconds.  Let's just say that there were failures on both sides of the equation and leave it at that, shall we?  The actual loss of the M/s relationship was less problematic than the way it terminated, along with the 'friendship' of the male involved.   It was an interesting experience as most things are and I'm still learning from it.

Primary thing I've learned so far: I can not be in an M/s relationship for many reasons.  I've a desire to serve and will continue to do so when the opportunity arises, but I also relish my freedom which tends to not go hand-in-hand with an M/s relationship.  This, combined with the fact that the Goddess has made it abundantly clear that I belong to her and am to serve and heal many, has finally put the M/s thing to rest for me--a blessing in and of itself.  

Rowan and Willow--Tag Team

I attended a wonderful demo on mummification that Ardent had several weeks ago.  The presenter was simply amazing and had incredible energy.  There were lots of new faces for me at Ardent which was nice.  

After the demo, I attended a private party with Rowan and Willow.  Our scene was wonderful as usual.  I needed a good beating and release following the demise of my M/s escapade, and they provided for me in their usual sadistic manner.  

My bond with both of them grows deeper and deeper; as I've said many times, I'm truly grateful for their collective presence in my life. 

Subdrop to Flu--life sucked

I started dropping from the party within a day or so.  I was tired as usual but nothing else other than missing Rowan and Willow; it's so weird to be intimate in the intense way I experience our scenes and then not have them around.  Not icky, not awful, not horrid or depressing--just weird.  Sort of discombobulating.  But by and large, I was just plain exhausted.  

The Wednesday following the last party, there was a character-building (as in unpleasant for me personally) event at work which involved the deceitful activity of another agency.  I don't care for liars, so having to work with them is difficult for me on many levels.  And the fact that this agency jacked with things I'd worked on...it pissed me off quite a bit.

I woke up in the middle of the night and was seriously ill.  I spent Thursday carrying around my son's 'vomit bowl' from room to room just in case.  

My co-workers were convinced the activities of the other agency pushed me over the edge, while I was trying to figure out just what the hell was going on with me????  Was this some kind of new subdrop?  

I was completely and utterly exhausted, depleted in every sense of the word.  All I wanted to do was sleep, which was difficult as I suddenly started coughing all the time too!  WTF????  

I was so sick, I missed Harbor's Valentine Party, which I am still sad about.  Yes, I was that sick.    

So--now what?

With no play party scheduled in the immediate future, I'm jonesing a bit for a round with Rowan and Willow.  In the meantime, I continue to build a relationship with the Goddess and am trying to follow Her in all ways.  It's not easy, but it is worth the time and effort;  I am becoming a better person in the process which will make me a better instrument for Her to use.  My main goal right now is to become a healer in every sense of the word, so this, in conjunction with the Goddess and spiritual growth, is my focus.  

I'm very excited about the opportunities I've had related to bdsm because each has been a source of enlightenment for me, allowing me to go and grow in directions I wouldn't have been able to access without it.  I know that the Goddess will continue to provide for me in every sense of the word and eagerly await future opportunities I have both in as well as out of the lifestyle.  

                                                             Field of Dreams by Nightfate

Kicking the Ass Out of My Squicks

Oh man, I hope I can do last week's play party justice.  It was Wow-o-Rama stuff, even more than usual and deserves a ton of time and attention to write about--things I don't currently have since I attended another event last night and am now groggy as hell.  Happily so mind you, but groggily so.   

Sooo, I'll set the stage briefly.  Harbor held a social at a local restaurant; the food was good and the conversation was wonderful.  Lots of folks new to the group showed up as well as members of Ardent.  After the social, everyone headed to the party which was held in the cozy dungeon I've mentioned before.  I stopped off to get some wine and by the time I got there, a huge chunk of the group was already downstairs in the dungeon!!!  They were ready and raring to go.

Throughout the week, Rowan had been making comments about 'things that go sticky in the butt.'  Then he asked me if I liked needles.  My idea of needles is those cool kind of designs folks have--spirals around their tits or wings of some kind.  Rowan's idea of needles---blow darts.

WTF?!?  

I was not impressed.  I was even scared.  It's one thing to have a needle carefully inserted into you and an entirely different thing to have one shot at and into you, at least in my mind it is.  And my mind, was not fond of this scenario at all!

But, Rowan has done so much for me on so many different levels that I felt I owed it to him to at least try it.  Grudgingly I had agreed to try it.

Being the nice sadistic Dom that he is, Rowan first used the blow dart on me outside of scene with my jeans on.  Ok, it didn't hurt that bad, but the element of surprise thing--as in 'when the hell is that dart going to hit my ass already?!?'--still sucked and I can honestly say, I still hated the damned shit.

But, it's Rowan, who I owe much to, so as we were starting our scene I told him he could use it on me; he responded that he had intended to anyway.  

We hadn't scened in a month and both of us really needed to.  Maeve in the form of her cycles even began her visit on the day of this party, but I was on board anyway; my mind, body, and spirit were needing the intense bonding and release that I experience with Rowan in a scene.  

It was fucking incredible.  I think all of my scenes with Rowan have been fucking incredible for one reason or another--it's just a huge blessing.  This one felt like we were joined and in sync with each other perfectly; I lost myself in everything that was occurring--the usual sadistic stuff combined with healthy doses of tit torture, biting, and asphyxiation.  Who knew that being hooded by a Dom's shirt and choked with a chain could be so damn sexy?  I think Willow even stepped in at one point and was covering my mouth to choke me; it's amazing to me that this used to squick me out.

By the time Rowan used the blow darts I was feeling fine.  I took six in my ass and then asked for darts in my back so I could know how that felt--I took 4 there.  The only time it hurt was when 1 of the darts was being removed--I think Rowan was trying to do so slowly and that just feels like all sorts of ick to me.  Blow 'em in quickly and take 'em out just as fast if you please!  It really doesn't hurt much at all but I have a big, fleshy ass, so a thinner person may have more problems.  

I eventually came through tit torture, but only after Rowan had told me to come and then told me not to come a split second later.  He kept this up until I thumped my fist on the cross in frustration--and called him Mr. Fucker more than once.  Then he finally let me come--and I had some lovely orgasms thank you very much.  

The night ended with my service needs being met by massaging Rowan.  Turns out I was using some lotion called Lickety Stiff on his back which had all of us giggling.  I can only hope that this stuff really works on a cock because it smells horrible--the worst french vanilla scent ever.  

And then!!!! Willow cut me!!!!!  Woo Hoo!!!  I'd told Willow that I wanted her to cut me at some point.  Though cutting and blood-play in general seriously squicked me out early on, I found myself wanting to experience this shadow-scene and knew that I could trust Willow.  It was impromptu and happened at the very end of the party, while Rowan was snoring as he had fallen asleep during my massage.

This was an amazing experience for lots of reasons; at that late hour many of the folks I feel closest to were there which really enhanced things for me.  Willow was all-sorts-of-wow, walking me through the steps, telling me what she was doing and how she was going to do it, checking in with me.

A razor-blade was used this time and I can honestly say, it doesn't hurt...much; not nearly as much as I thought it would.  I barely even felt the initial cuts but as Willow became familiar with my skin she applied more pressure which hurt a bit.  

I suspect that cutting would feel differently on other parts of the body, but the back was a nice place to start.   She free-handed a lovely set of wings on my right-shoulder.  I was hoping to get another picture of my wings healed but my nilla friend is completely squicked out about this--and I'm so sick of my web cam.   So, all I have are the initial pics of the cutting.  

There is nothing like kicking the ass out of something that has squicked you.  The feeling is incredibly powerful and empowering.  So, Willow's gift of my wings was a tremendous blessing for me.  It was an amazing incredible night spent with amazing and incredible people.