Service Bliss

So, I am finally getting to the post about the other party I attended earlier this month.  

Maeve, in the form of her cycle, has been very consistent with me for the last several months; she is always here on the first Saturday of the month.  I can count on her like clock work.  As I approach my crone years, my cycle grows shorter in length but is more intense and painful, so much so that my body is usually unwilling to scene at its start.

Well, this month things weren't so bad, which surprised me.  And I could've scened, actually my greedy whore was clamoring to scene!  Earlier in the week, I'd had the pleasure of watching others' scene, which caused my hormones to start doing a happy dance of their own.  Cycle or no cycle, they wanted some attention already!!!!

But that was simply not to be.  

I actually got a mongo hazelnut latte to drink at the party in an attempt to try and wake my ass up.  It worked eventually.  

But Rowan was flat out exhausted.  I could see it in his eyes when he first came in and his body language just confirmed it for me.  Though he pepped up at times throughout the night, he was still physically exhausted.

So down in the dungeon after he said he 'just wasn't feeling it tonight,' I offered to give him a massage.  And did so the entire time people were scening.  I have no idea how long it lasted, but am guessing at least 90 minutes.  

I was nervous at first, really worried about being able to bring him pleasure, worried about my technique, worried as I didn't have oil with me.  Ironically, I'd deliberately left my oil at home because Rowan hasn't allowed me to massage him before.  

But at some point, I allowed myself to get completely lost in what I was doing, focusing solely on his back, neck, and arms, trying to notice the shift in his muscles as my hands went over them, the flexing, and turning--trying to get in touch with where he needed my touch the most.  

People were scening all around us, but I honestly watched very little of it because I was so concentrated on Rowan and his needs.  

By the time we were finished, I was completely blissed out.  I'm not even sure why I was blissed out other than the fact that I know my service needs were being met and hadn't been before.  I also think some of the bliss was due to the fact that bringing pleasure and relaxation in the form of massage as well as energy work, is in alignment with my Sacred Whore path.  I know it's an essential part of this path and am in the beginning stages of teaching myself more about both.  

So I walked out of that party feeling amazingly fulfilled and was sky-high for many hours afterward.  It was yet another important step along the path of this lifestyle which is also directly linked to my walk along the  path of the Sacred Whore.   Both bring an abundance of blessings to my life which I am very grateful for.  

Adoration

Adoration starts from a simple place

tucked away neatly in the folds of a human heart

blossoming with every waking and sleeping moment

it spreads outward, eating away at rational thought

leaving only the eyes of love behind.  

Give me cause and I will follow

Blindly, dumbly

Worshipping  always in Your wake. 

A Pagan Pause: Trees

Today I walked among the trees of the forest and found the Goddess among the leaves, roots, branches, and bark.

I found Her in the branches that reached up and out, stretching to join with the sky in a sacred union of worship.  

I found Her in the branches that lay crippled and broken, strewn around the ground like holy relics. I took some of these at the bidding of the trees who promised to guard and ground me always if I but seek them out.

I found Her in the trees that appeared dead but still had life in them, trees that still had purpose because others had need of them.  These trees still radiated life and were content with their place in the cycle of life and death, sure that they will continue on because the Goddess has deemed it so.  

I found Her everywhere, in every living thing, but it is the trees that speak to me most.  Grandfather and Grandmother Spirits connected to the core of earthly life while reaching to the stars of eternity.  May I be just like them always.  

                                                         Dark Photoshop Actions by Nightfate

Voyeur Sublime

Several weeks ago,  I had the good fortune of attending two play parties.  Amazingly enough, I didn't scene at either party but still had a marvelous time.  

The first party occurred on New Year's Eve and was held at dungeon in the big city.  I'm going to call this dungeon Bliss because I have several fond memories associated with it.  Bliss is where the Fet Ball was held.  Being the directionless sort that I am, I rode along with a cool chick I'll call Isolde who had plans to scene with someone new that night.  

I was glad to go but knew from the get go that I wouldn't be scening as Rowan and Willow would not be in attendance.  Although Daig and Danae were there, they have recently added a third to their mix and had no plans to scene that night anyway.  It was still good to see them.  I'm afraid that all that cocooning I did during the holidays has put a bit of distance between us but I'm hoping that will decrease over time.  

I pushed myself to be a bit more outgoing at this party and was able to meet some more folks.  Though I wasn't able to spend much direct time with him, it was nice to watch Grove hold court there.  Our friendship has been the equivalent of tumbling down a very rocky mountain due to some 'weirdness' on both of our parts, but it has been well-worth all the bumps, bruises, and headaches I've sustained.  Things have finally seemed to level out for us enabling me to feel comfortable in his presence finally.  

I was also able to spend time with Aine who I admire a great deal.  It was nice to speak with her and get to know her better.  

Once the dungeon was open, things were very busy.  As I've mentioned before, I love watching others' scene--it's fascinating to see the interactions between the dom and sub, to watch the techniques and implements used, to get lost in the scene itself when the energy of it is running high.  It's like you'd have to be in a coma to not feel the energy as it just grows and spreads out exponentially.  

I deliberately positioned myself by Grove as I wanted to feel his energy while he scened.  I'm not sure I was successful in doing so this time as I kept shifting my attention to others, but I enjoyed watching him immensely.  There is a reason why he is a King of the court and much of it has to do with the command he possess in a scene.  He effortlessly radiates power, dominance, control, and raw sensuality in a way that few do.  Ok, that's enough lustful ego-stroking for one day.

Throughout the night, I was able to watch various other folks scene including Aine and Isolde.  All in all, it was a wonderful night and I had an awesome time there.   

I'll try and post about the second party I attended later this weekend.  

                                                       ohra om myra by NightFate

Crescendo: Follow up to Emotional Prelude in B Minor

As always, I'm about 2 posts behind here and feeling lazy to boot but I've got to finish up my scene with Rowan.  

Even though I'd resolved things with Rowan, I hadn't really resolved things with myself.  I have a very hard time tolerating messy, icky, 'negative' emotions in myself especially when I know I've no rational reason for feeling that way.  I piss myself off!  Then I wrangle with worry that I've pushed people I care about too far which feeds into my abandonment issues, and once those get tripped up....oh my  

With all this on my mind and in my soul, I was unable to tolerate much pain.  Everything Rowan did felt like it hurt deeply and my ability to tolerate pain was at a very low threshold.  

In spite of this, our scene was still incredibly intense for me.  

I was 'hooded' by Rowan's shirt throughout the scene which I really like; it heightens the D/s dance between us and intensifies the intimacy, the bonding that occurs.  

Various methods of breath play were also used, everything from choking me about the neck, to covering my mouth and pinching my nostrils shut.  I had several body orgasms from this alone maybe 4-6 of them, which got me in trouble later on.  

I keep waiting for Rowan to pull out the ginger root (and eagerly so I might add), but that was not to be.  My guess is that by the time he decides to use it on me again, I'll be over my infatuation with it and get pissed off at him, which means I'll struggle with being submissive.  I hate this struggle as I really do have a strong desire to please, but I'm doing my best to accept and appreciate it; each incident teaches me something more about myself and also serves to keep me humble.  

Towards the end of our session, Rowan began rubbing my clit in that persistent manner of his and telling me not to come.  I can tolerate this for a bit, but it becomes increasingly difficult the longer it goes on. It probably only lasts for a few minutes--maybe even less than a minute--but to try and hold my orgasm in when I am on the verge of coming and still being masturbated in a lovely way mind you, makes it feel like an eternity.  

This is when I start crying and whimpering like a baby.  I'm sure that some of the crying has to do with wanting my orgasm dammit!  But, I know the larger issue is feeling like I've been given an impossible task which I will ultimately fail because it is simply beyond my abilities.  I want to please, I want to please, I want to please, oh fuck it, I've failed.  

Somewhere in the midst of all this, I very stupidly stated that I'd been orgasming all along, which I honestly thought Rowan knew about since it's pretty obvious and all.  I got a verbal reprimand from Rowan as I'd not asked permission to come.  Note to self: obtain list of Rowan's rules before scene next time.  ;)

Eventually, after crying and begging on my part, I was allowed to come and that I did.  I have no idea how many times, the orgasms were just rolling on and on and on.  My knees almost buckled out on me when Rowan had his fingers inside of me; pretty sure he hit my g-spot.  First time that's been done.  Mmmmmm......so yummy.  No wonder I want to 'keep' him to myself!  *insert shit eating grin here*

I am really glad that sex has not always been a component of my bdsm experiences as this has allowed me to notice how emotionally intense and draining a session with sex is.  Now don't get me wrong--me likey adding the sex!!!!!  As my best friend said 'It's so nice that someone other than you is giving you orgasms.'   Nothing like a best friend.  

But there is something else that sex brings to a scene, something that leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable.  I haven't exactly figured out why yet.  I'm sure my long years of celibacy have something to do with this as well as the conflicted feelings I have about my own sexuality throughout the years.  I also suspect that the orgasm denial along with coming in public, are sources of humiliation for me; as I have a huge humiliation kink, it will be interesting to see if acts that feed this kink lead me feeling more naked, stripped bare emotionally and spiritually.  Time will tell I suppose. 

And to clarify things for myself if for no one else: though there is a mighty slut within me and I am walking the path of the Sacred Whore, there is only one person other than Rowan who I would allow to incorporate sex into a scene.  As time goes by, it becomes more clear that I really do require a deep, emotional bond with the person I'm scening with, so casual play--with someone I'm not bonded to--is not going to occur either.   Though this is frustrating at times, because let's face it--the more partners you have available the greater are your chances to scene--I am also reconciled to this being right for me.  

Afterwards, Rowan sat with me as I mellowed out from all the bazillions of orgasms I had.  I really appreciated that a lot due to the weird emotional space I'd been in earlier.  I believe that I am responsible for taking care of myself after a scene, but it was very nice to have him stroke my hair and smile down at me as he did so.  

                                                                   Catch Me by Nightfate