Quicky Updates

Ah, my goodness, I've been quiet for too long here.  Let's see if I can do a quick catch up of sorts.  

M s--with an e and s in the middle

One of the little known facts around these parts is that I was in a semi-M/s relationship for all of about 2 seconds.  Let's just say that there were failures on both sides of the equation and leave it at that, shall we?  The actual loss of the M/s relationship was less problematic than the way it terminated, along with the 'friendship' of the male involved.   It was an interesting experience as most things are and I'm still learning from it.

Primary thing I've learned so far: I can not be in an M/s relationship for many reasons.  I've a desire to serve and will continue to do so when the opportunity arises, but I also relish my freedom which tends to not go hand-in-hand with an M/s relationship.  This, combined with the fact that the Goddess has made it abundantly clear that I belong to her and am to serve and heal many, has finally put the M/s thing to rest for me--a blessing in and of itself.  

Rowan and Willow--Tag Team

I attended a wonderful demo on mummification that Ardent had several weeks ago.  The presenter was simply amazing and had incredible energy.  There were lots of new faces for me at Ardent which was nice.  

After the demo, I attended a private party with Rowan and Willow.  Our scene was wonderful as usual.  I needed a good beating and release following the demise of my M/s escapade, and they provided for me in their usual sadistic manner.  

My bond with both of them grows deeper and deeper; as I've said many times, I'm truly grateful for their collective presence in my life. 

Subdrop to Flu--life sucked

I started dropping from the party within a day or so.  I was tired as usual but nothing else other than missing Rowan and Willow; it's so weird to be intimate in the intense way I experience our scenes and then not have them around.  Not icky, not awful, not horrid or depressing--just weird.  Sort of discombobulating.  But by and large, I was just plain exhausted.  

The Wednesday following the last party, there was a character-building (as in unpleasant for me personally) event at work which involved the deceitful activity of another agency.  I don't care for liars, so having to work with them is difficult for me on many levels.  And the fact that this agency jacked with things I'd worked on...it pissed me off quite a bit.

I woke up in the middle of the night and was seriously ill.  I spent Thursday carrying around my son's 'vomit bowl' from room to room just in case.  

My co-workers were convinced the activities of the other agency pushed me over the edge, while I was trying to figure out just what the hell was going on with me????  Was this some kind of new subdrop?  

I was completely and utterly exhausted, depleted in every sense of the word.  All I wanted to do was sleep, which was difficult as I suddenly started coughing all the time too!  WTF????  

I was so sick, I missed Harbor's Valentine Party, which I am still sad about.  Yes, I was that sick.    

So--now what?

With no play party scheduled in the immediate future, I'm jonesing a bit for a round with Rowan and Willow.  In the meantime, I continue to build a relationship with the Goddess and am trying to follow Her in all ways.  It's not easy, but it is worth the time and effort;  I am becoming a better person in the process which will make me a better instrument for Her to use.  My main goal right now is to become a healer in every sense of the word, so this, in conjunction with the Goddess and spiritual growth, is my focus.  

I'm very excited about the opportunities I've had related to bdsm because each has been a source of enlightenment for me, allowing me to go and grow in directions I wouldn't have been able to access without it.  I know that the Goddess will continue to provide for me in every sense of the word and eagerly await future opportunities I have both in as well as out of the lifestyle.  

                                                             Field of Dreams by Nightfate

Kicking the Ass Out of My Squicks

Oh man, I hope I can do last week's play party justice.  It was Wow-o-Rama stuff, even more than usual and deserves a ton of time and attention to write about--things I don't currently have since I attended another event last night and am now groggy as hell.  Happily so mind you, but groggily so.   

Sooo, I'll set the stage briefly.  Harbor held a social at a local restaurant; the food was good and the conversation was wonderful.  Lots of folks new to the group showed up as well as members of Ardent.  After the social, everyone headed to the party which was held in the cozy dungeon I've mentioned before.  I stopped off to get some wine and by the time I got there, a huge chunk of the group was already downstairs in the dungeon!!!  They were ready and raring to go.

Throughout the week, Rowan had been making comments about 'things that go sticky in the butt.'  Then he asked me if I liked needles.  My idea of needles is those cool kind of designs folks have--spirals around their tits or wings of some kind.  Rowan's idea of needles---blow darts.

WTF?!?  

I was not impressed.  I was even scared.  It's one thing to have a needle carefully inserted into you and an entirely different thing to have one shot at and into you, at least in my mind it is.  And my mind, was not fond of this scenario at all!

But, Rowan has done so much for me on so many different levels that I felt I owed it to him to at least try it.  Grudgingly I had agreed to try it.

Being the nice sadistic Dom that he is, Rowan first used the blow dart on me outside of scene with my jeans on.  Ok, it didn't hurt that bad, but the element of surprise thing--as in 'when the hell is that dart going to hit my ass already?!?'--still sucked and I can honestly say, I still hated the damned shit.

But, it's Rowan, who I owe much to, so as we were starting our scene I told him he could use it on me; he responded that he had intended to anyway.  

We hadn't scened in a month and both of us really needed to.  Maeve in the form of her cycles even began her visit on the day of this party, but I was on board anyway; my mind, body, and spirit were needing the intense bonding and release that I experience with Rowan in a scene.  

It was fucking incredible.  I think all of my scenes with Rowan have been fucking incredible for one reason or another--it's just a huge blessing.  This one felt like we were joined and in sync with each other perfectly; I lost myself in everything that was occurring--the usual sadistic stuff combined with healthy doses of tit torture, biting, and asphyxiation.  Who knew that being hooded by a Dom's shirt and choked with a chain could be so damn sexy?  I think Willow even stepped in at one point and was covering my mouth to choke me; it's amazing to me that this used to squick me out.

By the time Rowan used the blow darts I was feeling fine.  I took six in my ass and then asked for darts in my back so I could know how that felt--I took 4 there.  The only time it hurt was when 1 of the darts was being removed--I think Rowan was trying to do so slowly and that just feels like all sorts of ick to me.  Blow 'em in quickly and take 'em out just as fast if you please!  It really doesn't hurt much at all but I have a big, fleshy ass, so a thinner person may have more problems.  

I eventually came through tit torture, but only after Rowan had told me to come and then told me not to come a split second later.  He kept this up until I thumped my fist on the cross in frustration--and called him Mr. Fucker more than once.  Then he finally let me come--and I had some lovely orgasms thank you very much.  

The night ended with my service needs being met by massaging Rowan.  Turns out I was using some lotion called Lickety Stiff on his back which had all of us giggling.  I can only hope that this stuff really works on a cock because it smells horrible--the worst french vanilla scent ever.  

And then!!!! Willow cut me!!!!!  Woo Hoo!!!  I'd told Willow that I wanted her to cut me at some point.  Though cutting and blood-play in general seriously squicked me out early on, I found myself wanting to experience this shadow-scene and knew that I could trust Willow.  It was impromptu and happened at the very end of the party, while Rowan was snoring as he had fallen asleep during my massage.

This was an amazing experience for lots of reasons; at that late hour many of the folks I feel closest to were there which really enhanced things for me.  Willow was all-sorts-of-wow, walking me through the steps, telling me what she was doing and how she was going to do it, checking in with me.

A razor-blade was used this time and I can honestly say, it doesn't hurt...much; not nearly as much as I thought it would.  I barely even felt the initial cuts but as Willow became familiar with my skin she applied more pressure which hurt a bit.  

I suspect that cutting would feel differently on other parts of the body, but the back was a nice place to start.   She free-handed a lovely set of wings on my right-shoulder.  I was hoping to get another picture of my wings healed but my nilla friend is completely squicked out about this--and I'm so sick of my web cam.   So, all I have are the initial pics of the cutting.  

There is nothing like kicking the ass out of something that has squicked you.  The feeling is incredibly powerful and empowering.  So, Willow's gift of my wings was a tremendous blessing for me.  It was an amazing incredible night spent with amazing and incredible people. 

Service Bliss

So, I am finally getting to the post about the other party I attended earlier this month.  

Maeve, in the form of her cycle, has been very consistent with me for the last several months; she is always here on the first Saturday of the month.  I can count on her like clock work.  As I approach my crone years, my cycle grows shorter in length but is more intense and painful, so much so that my body is usually unwilling to scene at its start.

Well, this month things weren't so bad, which surprised me.  And I could've scened, actually my greedy whore was clamoring to scene!  Earlier in the week, I'd had the pleasure of watching others' scene, which caused my hormones to start doing a happy dance of their own.  Cycle or no cycle, they wanted some attention already!!!!

But that was simply not to be.  

I actually got a mongo hazelnut latte to drink at the party in an attempt to try and wake my ass up.  It worked eventually.  

But Rowan was flat out exhausted.  I could see it in his eyes when he first came in and his body language just confirmed it for me.  Though he pepped up at times throughout the night, he was still physically exhausted.

So down in the dungeon after he said he 'just wasn't feeling it tonight,' I offered to give him a massage.  And did so the entire time people were scening.  I have no idea how long it lasted, but am guessing at least 90 minutes.  

I was nervous at first, really worried about being able to bring him pleasure, worried about my technique, worried as I didn't have oil with me.  Ironically, I'd deliberately left my oil at home because Rowan hasn't allowed me to massage him before.  

But at some point, I allowed myself to get completely lost in what I was doing, focusing solely on his back, neck, and arms, trying to notice the shift in his muscles as my hands went over them, the flexing, and turning--trying to get in touch with where he needed my touch the most.  

People were scening all around us, but I honestly watched very little of it because I was so concentrated on Rowan and his needs.  

By the time we were finished, I was completely blissed out.  I'm not even sure why I was blissed out other than the fact that I know my service needs were being met and hadn't been before.  I also think some of the bliss was due to the fact that bringing pleasure and relaxation in the form of massage as well as energy work, is in alignment with my Sacred Whore path.  I know it's an essential part of this path and am in the beginning stages of teaching myself more about both.  

So I walked out of that party feeling amazingly fulfilled and was sky-high for many hours afterward.  It was yet another important step along the path of this lifestyle which is also directly linked to my walk along the  path of the Sacred Whore.   Both bring an abundance of blessings to my life which I am very grateful for.  

Adoration

Adoration starts from a simple place

tucked away neatly in the folds of a human heart

blossoming with every waking and sleeping moment

it spreads outward, eating away at rational thought

leaving only the eyes of love behind.  

Give me cause and I will follow

Blindly, dumbly

Worshipping  always in Your wake. 

A Pagan Pause: Trees

Today I walked among the trees of the forest and found the Goddess among the leaves, roots, branches, and bark.

I found Her in the branches that reached up and out, stretching to join with the sky in a sacred union of worship.  

I found Her in the branches that lay crippled and broken, strewn around the ground like holy relics. I took some of these at the bidding of the trees who promised to guard and ground me always if I but seek them out.

I found Her in the trees that appeared dead but still had life in them, trees that still had purpose because others had need of them.  These trees still radiated life and were content with their place in the cycle of life and death, sure that they will continue on because the Goddess has deemed it so.  

I found Her everywhere, in every living thing, but it is the trees that speak to me most.  Grandfather and Grandmother Spirits connected to the core of earthly life while reaching to the stars of eternity.  May I be just like them always.  

                                                         Dark Photoshop Actions by Nightfate

Voyeur Sublime

Several weeks ago,  I had the good fortune of attending two play parties.  Amazingly enough, I didn't scene at either party but still had a marvelous time.  

The first party occurred on New Year's Eve and was held at dungeon in the big city.  I'm going to call this dungeon Bliss because I have several fond memories associated with it.  Bliss is where the Fet Ball was held.  Being the directionless sort that I am, I rode along with a cool chick I'll call Isolde who had plans to scene with someone new that night.  

I was glad to go but knew from the get go that I wouldn't be scening as Rowan and Willow would not be in attendance.  Although Daig and Danae were there, they have recently added a third to their mix and had no plans to scene that night anyway.  It was still good to see them.  I'm afraid that all that cocooning I did during the holidays has put a bit of distance between us but I'm hoping that will decrease over time.  

I pushed myself to be a bit more outgoing at this party and was able to meet some more folks.  Though I wasn't able to spend much direct time with him, it was nice to watch Grove hold court there.  Our friendship has been the equivalent of tumbling down a very rocky mountain due to some 'weirdness' on both of our parts, but it has been well-worth all the bumps, bruises, and headaches I've sustained.  Things have finally seemed to level out for us enabling me to feel comfortable in his presence finally.  

I was also able to spend time with Aine who I admire a great deal.  It was nice to speak with her and get to know her better.  

Once the dungeon was open, things were very busy.  As I've mentioned before, I love watching others' scene--it's fascinating to see the interactions between the dom and sub, to watch the techniques and implements used, to get lost in the scene itself when the energy of it is running high.  It's like you'd have to be in a coma to not feel the energy as it just grows and spreads out exponentially.  

I deliberately positioned myself by Grove as I wanted to feel his energy while he scened.  I'm not sure I was successful in doing so this time as I kept shifting my attention to others, but I enjoyed watching him immensely.  There is a reason why he is a King of the court and much of it has to do with the command he possess in a scene.  He effortlessly radiates power, dominance, control, and raw sensuality in a way that few do.  Ok, that's enough lustful ego-stroking for one day.

Throughout the night, I was able to watch various other folks scene including Aine and Isolde.  All in all, it was a wonderful night and I had an awesome time there.   

I'll try and post about the second party I attended later this weekend.  

                                                       ohra om myra by NightFate

Crescendo: Follow up to Emotional Prelude in B Minor

As always, I'm about 2 posts behind here and feeling lazy to boot but I've got to finish up my scene with Rowan.  

Even though I'd resolved things with Rowan, I hadn't really resolved things with myself.  I have a very hard time tolerating messy, icky, 'negative' emotions in myself especially when I know I've no rational reason for feeling that way.  I piss myself off!  Then I wrangle with worry that I've pushed people I care about too far which feeds into my abandonment issues, and once those get tripped up....oh my  

With all this on my mind and in my soul, I was unable to tolerate much pain.  Everything Rowan did felt like it hurt deeply and my ability to tolerate pain was at a very low threshold.  

In spite of this, our scene was still incredibly intense for me.  

I was 'hooded' by Rowan's shirt throughout the scene which I really like; it heightens the D/s dance between us and intensifies the intimacy, the bonding that occurs.  

Various methods of breath play were also used, everything from choking me about the neck, to covering my mouth and pinching my nostrils shut.  I had several body orgasms from this alone maybe 4-6 of them, which got me in trouble later on.  

I keep waiting for Rowan to pull out the ginger root (and eagerly so I might add), but that was not to be.  My guess is that by the time he decides to use it on me again, I'll be over my infatuation with it and get pissed off at him, which means I'll struggle with being submissive.  I hate this struggle as I really do have a strong desire to please, but I'm doing my best to accept and appreciate it; each incident teaches me something more about myself and also serves to keep me humble.  

Towards the end of our session, Rowan began rubbing my clit in that persistent manner of his and telling me not to come.  I can tolerate this for a bit, but it becomes increasingly difficult the longer it goes on. It probably only lasts for a few minutes--maybe even less than a minute--but to try and hold my orgasm in when I am on the verge of coming and still being masturbated in a lovely way mind you, makes it feel like an eternity.  

This is when I start crying and whimpering like a baby.  I'm sure that some of the crying has to do with wanting my orgasm dammit!  But, I know the larger issue is feeling like I've been given an impossible task which I will ultimately fail because it is simply beyond my abilities.  I want to please, I want to please, I want to please, oh fuck it, I've failed.  

Somewhere in the midst of all this, I very stupidly stated that I'd been orgasming all along, which I honestly thought Rowan knew about since it's pretty obvious and all.  I got a verbal reprimand from Rowan as I'd not asked permission to come.  Note to self: obtain list of Rowan's rules before scene next time.  ;)

Eventually, after crying and begging on my part, I was allowed to come and that I did.  I have no idea how many times, the orgasms were just rolling on and on and on.  My knees almost buckled out on me when Rowan had his fingers inside of me; pretty sure he hit my g-spot.  First time that's been done.  Mmmmmm......so yummy.  No wonder I want to 'keep' him to myself!  *insert shit eating grin here*

I am really glad that sex has not always been a component of my bdsm experiences as this has allowed me to notice how emotionally intense and draining a session with sex is.  Now don't get me wrong--me likey adding the sex!!!!!  As my best friend said 'It's so nice that someone other than you is giving you orgasms.'   Nothing like a best friend.  

But there is something else that sex brings to a scene, something that leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable.  I haven't exactly figured out why yet.  I'm sure my long years of celibacy have something to do with this as well as the conflicted feelings I have about my own sexuality throughout the years.  I also suspect that the orgasm denial along with coming in public, are sources of humiliation for me; as I have a huge humiliation kink, it will be interesting to see if acts that feed this kink lead me feeling more naked, stripped bare emotionally and spiritually.  Time will tell I suppose. 

And to clarify things for myself if for no one else: though there is a mighty slut within me and I am walking the path of the Sacred Whore, there is only one person other than Rowan who I would allow to incorporate sex into a scene.  As time goes by, it becomes more clear that I really do require a deep, emotional bond with the person I'm scening with, so casual play--with someone I'm not bonded to--is not going to occur either.   Though this is frustrating at times, because let's face it--the more partners you have available the greater are your chances to scene--I am also reconciled to this being right for me.  

Afterwards, Rowan sat with me as I mellowed out from all the bazillions of orgasms I had.  I really appreciated that a lot due to the weird emotional space I'd been in earlier.  I believe that I am responsible for taking care of myself after a scene, but it was very nice to have him stroke my hair and smile down at me as he did so.  

                                                                   Catch Me by Nightfate